The Far Side of the Moon

Worship Revised

2011-11-13T16:27:00.000-08:00

Today, I realized how long it has been since I have been to worship. The Gloria Patria has a new tune, and there was another responsive hymn that I learned today.

I struggle with the need to move forward and the comfort of an order of worship that I can follow without a bulletin. I struggle with the need to move forward and the comfort of a Book of Order that I have dogeared from my Officer Training. I struggle with the need to move forward and the comfort of my church family that has cared for me as long as I can remember.

Who knows but God what great plans he has for us? Who knows but God our struggles?

Alden

2011-07-08T15:43:00.000-07:00

The far side and the dark side of the moon are only the same during a full or a new moon.

Things I Have Eaten

2011-02-17T19:32:00.000-08:00

1. 5 remote controls
2. Transportation Book
3. Ipod
4. 3 really nice pillows
5. 2 plastic cups
6. Nook cord
7. Phone
8.11 pairs of shoes
9. Carpet
10. Blanket
11. Soap

Memphis

Walk This Way

2010-11-07T17:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, in the rain, I walked for Mom.

Empty Seats

2010-10-02T16:40:00.000-07:00

I am Elder for the 8:30 Service this month. One of the things that comes with this is Communion preparation for the first Sunday of the month. This Sunday is World Communion Sunday, and that made me think of all of the people around the world we share this sacrament with tommorrow. Normally, when I prepare Communion, I say a little prayer for the elements as I put them in the tray. Usually along the lines of "May this be a blessing to you. " or "May this give your heart peace." But today, I prayed for the pieces that were left in the box and in the jar. I prayed for the people, for any reason, that do not sit at this table with us, or the larger table that we will all share tomorrow. I prayed for my pieces and jars to be empty, and hearts to be full.

Grace and Peace,
Robin

Generally Speaking

2010-09-28T18:28:00.000-07:00

My new goal in life is to be a Generalist. Or a rodeo clown.

But my words they lie 'cause when we kiss...

2010-05-31T16:29:00.000-07:00

Yep.. OOOOH FIRE. (Or fire alarm.) I am sitting in my unergonomic, unsafe chair and about 10 am, the fire alarm goes off at work over my head. I am the only one in the building and all I can think of is that I have set the building on fire with the coffee pot in the break room. I grab my purse and my phone and head downstairs (peaking first at the coffee pot).

I am standing outside the building and I realize, I have no idea who to call. I know the alarm has triggered the fire department. I am standing in the parking lot, looking at the building, looking for flames and the police chief drives up. He checks in with the Fire Department while I am trying to find Bob (because his name is on the building). Pretty soon afterwards, the fire truck comes and then a few minutes later, my favorite best maintenance man ever, Larry. Lots of looking, no fire, really awesome firemen, and really awesome everybody.

When I first walked out of the building, I can not describe what it felt like to look at that building, and have no idea who to call. In my mind, I saw the company that I have worked for almost 22 years go up in smoke.

I think of times when events in my life have been both the fire alarm and the fire. And I called God. I called God when they found the lung nodule last year. I called God when Mom was sick. I called God when the Little Grandma died. And he sent the firemen and the friends.

Funeral Potatoes

2010-05-06T19:00:00.000-07:00

Lately, I seem to be sitting in the reserved seats at funerals. So, when it comes time for you to sit in my reserved seats, just a heads up.

I am going to be cremated and I am honestly not sure where I will land. Hopefully, under a bed of tulips somewhere or tossed in the air. It's okay. It's not me, you already have the best piece of me in your heart. The rest is just wrapping paper.

There will be food. Come hungry.

There will be Communion. Come hungry.

The play list looks something like this: "Children Go Where I Send Thee", "Break Forth", "Love is Simple", "God of the Sparrow", "Nulla In Mundo Pax Sincera"

There will be an Order of Worship. I can't help it.

There will be a couple of readings: The reading by Henry Scott Holland from Mom's funeral plus a couple other random readings. (Don't want to spoil the entire surprise.)

There will be bubbles. Lots of bubbles and chalk.

There will be Joy.

I know this seems like a random post, but this has been on my mind since the Little Grandma's funeral. How can the sum of someone's life be accurately expressed by a person that never knew her.

House Cleaning

2010-02-08T17:47:00.000-08:00

The last few posts are random drafts that have been sitting out there waiting for me to push the button. So PUSH.

I think I am ready to start blogging again now that my blog house is clean. So get your feed on..

Inner Circle

2010-02-08T17:43:00.000-08:00

Today, I thought about all of the additional pieces of information that are now floating around in my head that weren't there 6 months ago. Here they are in no particular order:

1. The other number for Hospice

2. How to convert ml of morphine to mg.

3. How to wash someone's hair while they are in bed.

4. There is a 24 hour waiting period for cremation.

5. Urns can be sealed or unsealed.

6. Sterile procedure. This was a flash back from nursing school.

Ink Spot

2010-02-08T17:42:00.000-08:00

I have the ability to block out chunks of my life. It is like my brain has a protective mechanism to make sure I can make it to the next day. It dulls and blurs the memory until it finally becomes unrecognizable.

Most days this works, unless the memory has a smell associated with it. For example, [I don't know if they even make this any more.] Shout aerosol smells like anesthesia to me and the smell makes me immediately and incredibly nauseous. This comes from 8 million ear surgeries when I was little.

Hospice for Dummies

2010-02-08T17:41:00.001-08:00

When Mom was in hospice and during the weeks that she stayed with me, I blogged daily. For a good number of my friends and Mom's, this was the first time they had such an intimate look at the day to day with Hospice and caregiving. With that being common knowledge, I have been a part of several what I can only call "twisted" conversations.

So here we go.. Hospice for Dummies

1. We get it.. We do.. Honestly, don't you think if we could have figured out a different road, we would have taken it. Don't you think we would have taken/done/tried anything to not be here. But here we are, so before we get started .. this sucks..

2. If you hear us talk about the blue book, be glad you don't know what it is. We aren't going to tell you, you don't want to know.

3. This is not about you.

You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

2010-02-08T17:41:00.000-08:00

The past few months seem to run together. I haven't done anything great, I haven't done anything different, I haven't done anything that made me take a deep breath and hold on.

Saturday, I got some new hair. If you knew me in High School, then you know this color. It is almost my natural color. ( I am really tempted to throw some quotes around natural.) I really like the cut and am still unsure of the color. Think of the times you have looked in the mirror and not known yourself. I have had stages over the past couple of years, but this in my face different. (More not quotes.) It is amazing how such a change can make such a difference in how you and other people see you. I have run into people over the past week or so that haven't known me.

After Mom died, I had dark hair for a while because I wanted to make my outside match my inside. This time, it is more, I am ready to kick over into different. It looks different enough that it makes me stop and look when I catch myself in the mirror.

Purpose

2009-11-28T08:25:00.000-08:00

In the past year, we have combined 3 households into one. During this time, piece by piece, things have moved from storage or dining room, into a new purpose in our house.

Today, trying to make room for the Christmas tree, the hutch that was in Mom's living room is moving into our bedroom to become a dresser. This has sat untouched in the dinning room since it came to the house. Nothing in it, nothing near it. I just couldn't figure out the where and what and how this would take purpose in our house. So it sat. Until today when I moved furniture and it found a new home. And as I opened the drawers and dusted, I caught a smell of Mom. I have longed for this smell and the comfort of my Mom.

Stan has decided we are doing the holidays this year. I didn't play the year Mom was sick, and last year, I was so over my head, I didn't even come to the table. So Thursday brought turkey and ham, and Friday brought a real Christmas tree that we cut ourselves. Today brings the first time I have seen our Christmas ornaments in a couple of years and the village of Bethlehem. I think no matter how I drag my feet, Stan is pulling me into the holidays this year.

I am coming into a busy week and a busy weekend. Our Christmas Cantada is next weekend and I am playing handbells, we have our Christmas party for work, and Monday is our end of month. Next weekend, I am ringing bells for the Salvation Army (One of my more favorite things to do) and have a couple of Meals on Wheels things to get finished before my route in a couple of weeks. I need to run to Greensboro to put out Christmas flowers for Mom and Dad before the row gets rowdy.

Zach and I are reading the first candle for Advent tomorrow (Hope). This is the first time we have done this since he was small.

These dreams of you..

2009-10-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

I seem to be in a strange place this week. When I get here, I always remember the definition of temperature. Temperature is the measurement of the average kinetic energy of a substance. [Remember how many years I spent in Dabney.] So, on any given day, I am good. At any point during the day, I am either at end of the spectrum.

XM, No Static at All

2009-10-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

Today I went to Raleigh for a PUG meeting. I never spend more than 5 minutes in my car, so 1 45 minute drive was almost a treat. Where else can I hear Meatstick and Brass Monkey without it being on a play list? Plus a little Bon Iver thrown in for good measure.

Yes, I was the old lady in the Civic on the Beltline who was singing "That Chunky Monkey" at the top of my lungs today at lunch. I am so incredibly cool...

Measurements

2009-09-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

I am on the eve of losing 300 hangman games to my Sunday School class. We play hangman to learn our Bible verse for the week. I lose an average of 40 games a year.

On the floor in my Sunday School class, there is a list of names and dates along the back wall. Each year, we do a lesson on David and Goliath and measure ourselves to Goliath. The names change and move from year to year, but marks a subset of a list of children that have come thru my door each Sunday.

On the door in my kitchen, there are marks for Zach to measure how tall he has gotten. If you have come to the house, your name and height more than likely are on this door.

I have delivered Meals on Wheels for 15 years. At 15 meals a month for 15 years, I have helped deliver 2700 meals.

Security

2009-09-06T03:59:00.000-07:00

A couple of different things this week have put this word in my thoughts.

We just had a security system installed this week. Bev is on a new round of "I am afraid". With the days getting shorter, it has put one of us here before 7:30 in the morning and home by 5:30 or 6:00 PM. With our work schedules right now, this continues to be a nightmare as far as scheduling. The flip side of this is that you can't leave an outside light on at night. So, a security system for when we aren't here and some motion lights on the outside that will let us see the door when we come home are now up and running.

I have never been afraid in my house. We sleep with the windows open and I have been known not to lock the door. Welcome to the new secure Boraski Bed and Breakfast.

The other thing that has been running around in my head is about Mom's robe. I have this orange tie dye long cotton robe that was Mom's. I would always use it when I went to her house, and I have used it for the past year or so in my house. At this point, it has a huge hole in the back and several holes down the side. I can't bear to replace it. Which brings me back around to security. I have Mom's old foundation and empty bottles. It sits in the corner shelf on the bathroom. At what point will I be able to throw this away? I worry if I throw something away, I will lose the memory that goes with this.

Changed from Glory into Glory

2009-08-30T17:15:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago, a friend of mine asked me if it gets easier. His mom died of cancer in the spring.

I could honestly answer "Yes" on this day. I missed Mom on her birthday, I missed Mom on Saturdays when I would call her from work, I missed Mom on my birthday. This year, I had already crossed all the days without both of them, Mom and Dad. I still wish for the smell of her. But, the memories of the time she was sick have lost some of the terror that always rode with them. And now, when I remember, it is warm and sweet.

The title comes from the hymn, "Love Divine, All Loves Excelling" by Charles Wesley. It makes me think of Mom.

Heaps and Trees

2009-08-21T17:16:00.000-07:00

I have spent the past couple of days in the gories of our databases. We run a combination of OpenEdge and SQL databases at work.

1. We transfer a chunk of data between the databases at night. Right now, to move about 20 GB between the databases takes about 41 minutes. When we first started this process in 1999, it would take about 3.5 hours. Between the changes in our backbone, database upgrades and new hardware, I picked up about 2 hours between the beginning of the year and now. I have one table that is running about 37 minutes and this is blowing my goal to bring this under 30 minutes. So to pick up 7 minutes, I am doing the nasty with this guy over the weekend. If I can get him to 25 minutes, I would be a happy child. And to be a happy child, I have spent way to much time with heaps and storage this week.
2. The other piece of this is getting the most used tables of our OpenEdge databases up in memory. 32 bit windows has a limited amount of shared memory that can be addressed. (Don't even say /G or /PAE or Linux.) I have spent even more time playing with shared memory segment sizes. This has been endless iterations of adjusting buffers and segment sizes, waiting to see if the database will start, and then waiting to see if everything can address the memory in this space without error. All of this spinning may add another 300 megs of addressable space to put more information up in the buffers. With more stuff in the buffers, the less I need to hit the disk and the faster we all go.

I have spent the week looking for minutes. 7 minutes here, faster access there.

Big Feet Love

2009-08-10T17:14:00.001-07:00

My child wears a size 13.5 shoe. He needs a big foot to carry my heart around.

The List of Things I Forgot to Ask...

2009-07-13T16:49:00.000-07:00

1. Why am I named Robin?

Others Day

2009-05-10T17:18:00.000-07:00

I would really like a cigarette today. I mean REALLY... I dream of the smell, the taste, the feel of all of that delicious smoke dancing in my lungs... It has been 10 weeks and some change since I stopped smoking. You would think it would get easier each day but it seems to get worse. It wasn't hard for me to stop this time, which has been very different. I am having week one in week ten. You would think I would know better. Somehow, during all the bladder/kidney stuff last week, they found a nodule in the left lower lobe of my lung. It doesn't look like anything serious, I just am on schedule for CAT scans for a while. You would think the idea would be enough to wipe the taste of a cigarette out of my mouth.

Wendy and I went and put out flowers for Mom and Dad yesterday. I am not sure how this works. There was a beautiful black round vase with flowers near Mom. Thank you. We took some of the green stuff and mixed it back in with our flowers. They have the brightest flowers in the cemetery and are the envy of everyone on their row. I absolutely hate this. I could have just laid on the ground and thrown a fit. While I was waiting for my test results this week, (I had the CAT scan on my way to Relay and actually sold some shirts), all I could think of is that I didn't want to be sick without my Mom.

I saw my Aunt Shirley yesterday as part of the day. In my heart, I think Mom heard me and knew me and felt me when it was time for her to leave. She knew the feel of my hands and the sound of my voice and she knew I had kept my promise and she was not alone. I took it for granted that she would know me. I am not sure Aunt Shirley knew me yesterday. My friends Mom died last week while in Hospice. This is all leading up to ..I HATE CANCER. WHY DON"T WE HAVE A CURE YET? WHY DON"T WE HAVE EFFECTIVE TREATMENTS FOR ALL TYPES OF CANCER? WHY DO WE STILL RELAY 25 YEARS LATER? WHY?

Why does my child know April 20th?

2009-04-28T17:11:00.000-07:00

Zach called me last week to wish me "Happy Weed Day" and to tell me that he thought of Bama .

So, on the eve of Wednesday, one Happy Mommy story.

If you don't know, my Mom was a weedie. Not as much when she got older, but yeah..

We are up on the Chemo floor one night and for some reason George starts Mom on Marinol. [I always called this Pot in a Pill. It was a win/win/win 1. Nausea Control, 2. Mood, 3. Appetite.] It looks like a little pearl. If you know how Mom was, she is in the "I am not going to take this." and "I don't know what it will do." and "Can I take half of this?". I am probably pulling my hair out at this point. I remember looking at her and saying something like .... 'I don't understand why you are in a snit over this.. It is LEGAL.. It is not like you haven't done this before.. It is LEGAL' . I am begging Mom to have a LEGAL hit.

It's better to have and not need, to need and not have.

2009-04-25T16:01:00.000-07:00

Sing it Sam.

Dig that hole, forget the sun

2009-04-15T17:28:00.000-07:00

Between work and getting ready for Relay, I am very overwhelmed at this point.

There are a couple different posts that have bounced around int my head but they have been crowded out by app servers.

Couple of quick notes..

I will be in Greensboro the second weekend of May. I need to put some stuff out for Mom and Dad. (What do you call this?) Have a spa date w/Amy. Have a lunch date w/Wendy and Amy. Going to try and run up on Vera during the afternoon. Grandma and Aunt Shirley at some point during the day. Jump on the calendar if you want.

On a side note,I am 2 days away from having quit smoking for 6 weeks. I am 2 lbs away from 200 lbs which is what I weighted the day the Zach is born. Next week, I am starting back to the gym. Work has been crazy and my days and nights are mixed up at this point. I have to write the day and date on a sticky and put it on my lap top each day to orient me.

I have really good stuff to say about my yoga class... Let me sleep and I will be a better correspondent.

Baby I guess you know my story

2009-03-29T17:29:00.000-07:00

Baby I guess you know my side..

I went to State in the fall of 83 with Running on Empty on vinyl. I can't say I care much about the newer albums, but the early albums mark my teenage years. This particular song comes from Hold Out.

One of my friends from high school found me on Facebook a couple of weeks ago. Mom actually found her for me one Thanksgiving when she went to pick up a cheesecake and there she was. We fell back out of touch and then with the wonders of Facebook, we are back together again.

There are only a few people outside my family that knew both my parents. Zach was 2 when Dad died (They were both wobbly walkers at the same time.) We were chatting a couple of nights back and she asked if Mom was beside Dale. [We both did our time at Big Daddy's Kitchen during High School.] And that made me think of who else would know to ask me that...

Head over Heels

2009-03-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

Today, my blog is officially a year old.

A couple of random stories to start the new year...

There is a way cool place in Varina called "My Back Porch". Donna has a varied assortment of clothes, pocketbooks, shoes and generally cool stuff. [If you don't know me, I rarely buy new clothes. I am a Goodwill girl, which drives Wendy absolutely crazy. My Back Porch is a consignment store. On another note, if you live in Fuquay and wear a 9.5 shoe, take them here when you are finished with them please.] I was looking around a few weeks ago and Donna from Flowers on Broad Street was also in there. We were talking and she finally placed me.. I have always ordered flowers for Dad for Valentines Day for church from her. A huge spray of just tulips that remind me that spring comes.

Well I missed last year, and I also missed this year. When she saw me, I told her that I just couldn't do it this year. I would be able soon, but not this year. She said I should have let her know.. She would have done it for me until I could do it. I will be doing flowers for Mom on May 2nd. This is right after Relay for Life and .. you know.. I need to remember that spring comes. [And even if I don't remember, my friends will drag me into the warm and light and beauty.]

Second story is I have been taking yoga. [Not sure of the verb.. Practicing?] When I was being still, I had a thought of how funny and proud Mom would have been for me taking this. She always would yell at me for not taking care of myself.

T Minus 7 Days and Counting

2009-03-16T15:04:00.000-07:00

In a week, it will have been a year since Mom came to stay with me. In a week, my blog will be a year old. In a week, my life last year moves to being fully documented.

I want my Mom. It is no less painful than last year, or yesterday. I can't believe she is not here.

Designed for Windows NT

2009-03-14T09:57:00.000-07:00

My network at home is a random assortment of machines. The oldest guy (the Designed for Windows NT machine) is getting ready to go to Staples to be recycled after I wipe out the hard drive. I always try to keep a beater on my network for testing. My thought is that if something I write runs fast on the older hardware running a copy of a later OS, it will scream on what is currently out in the marketplace. I am running Windows XP on a Pentium III w/256M Ram. Couple of tweaks, couple of driver changes and I use this guy as a VPN client and to browse the web. [Some days I even run sql on this guy.]

I can show my age here. I started writing in C and Business Basic. I can remember when I only had 64 K of RAM. Machines were not forgiving. If you wrote bad code, your crap ran slow. It was too expensive to throw more hardware so you wrote elegant, efficient screaming code.

Now that my beater is going away, I wonder what I will use now to test?

Red Elephants

2009-03-10T17:10:00.000-07:00

I took a yoga class down the road from my house tonight. This was my first real in a yoga studio class.

During one of the interludes, she said "There is no one else you need to be..." And I as listened to my breath, for the first time in a long time, I realized she was right.

Ashes to Ashes, Funk to Funky

2009-03-01T16:20:00.000-08:00

Remember Robin, that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.

As I start this season of Lent, I remember last year. As I took care of Mom, during this time, my life had a singular purpose and focus. I can only count a few times in my life when my purpose and focus have followed the same line. Nothing is as vivid an example as when I was in labor with Zach. My mind, my heart and my body were intensely focused on my purpose.

This year, the ashes are real to me. My Mom was cremated and in this day, I finally saw the circle. In my devotionals and prayers, I have danced around the fact that I am mortal. But the ashes on my forehead as I look in the mirror remind me in the most basic way that I am dust.

Create in me a clean heart, Lord. Create in me a singular purpose and focus.

Prayer for Ash Wednesday William Loader, 15 February 1999

The darkness asks us questions. You are out there and we do not see. You invite us into the night, the stillness, the loneliness, the desert place.
We cannot see our shadow; the cold damp of unknowing rises up from beneath our feet. We tread cautiously, tentatively.
We are afraid, afraid of ghosts haunting us with spectres of guilt and shame.
We would like to run back, reach the river bank, swim the Jordan, sit in the sun by the sea, mending our nets. But you have brought us here with no bread.
When we look we can see only ourselves, our darkness. When we read, it is invisible words which cannot be grasped, thoughts we cannot clutch, hope we cannot capture.
Yet the wild honey remains a taste in our mouth, a memory for a new day.
Why have you brought us here? What miracle will you perform for us?
The darkness sighs around us, dense with your unseen presence, close to our breathing, close to our breathing.
O darkness, enlighten us, embrace us with your invisible love. Let us see your glory in the ashes. Take us by the hand that we may trust the darkness. Minister to us by your Spirit that we may not be afraid. Jesus, keep the beasts away.

Amen

Youth Devotional

2009-02-10T17:13:00.000-08:00

Lydia, our Youth Director, just had a wonderful baby a few days ago. I am going to help with Youth this weekend. As long as I have taught Sunday School, you would think I would be able to pull something out of the air for devotional.

I keep pulling, but this is where I have ended up. I have a hard time praying out loud. I can't match the rambling prayers that are in my head with what I hear all over the place. [I know what you are thinking. But can't you tell me you don't feel the same way at times...] I feel tongue tied and have actually played Rock/Paper/Scissors to have someone else pray during a meeting. I wonder if I am actually listening to God or even are aware of his presence when I can't do something as simple as pray out loud.

So maybe my devotional is this: Dear Lord. Hear the words I can not say. Say the words I do not hear. Thank you for things I do not see. With your grace, one day, I will do all three.

Adulthood

2009-02-10T15:32:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, I become an adult. My dad died tomorrow and this will be the first time I will spend this day without both of them. It sucks to be an adult.

Letters

2009-02-02T18:12:00.000-08:00

I was looking for my checkbook tonight and found the letter. Mom and I had a letter than we passed back and forth. It started on 8/23/1983 at 8:30 AM. Mom wrote it to me the day I started college. I passed it back to Mom on 8/23/1993. It finally made it back my way 10/28/2005 still in the original envelope and was staying with me waiting for 2013 when it would finally make its way back to Greensboro.

I miss the idea of sending this back to Mom. I miss Mom's handwriting. I miss the smell of her.

Ultra Sound

2009-01-31T15:28:00.000-08:00

Is is amazing what a little space can do.. With a space, a terrifying word moves from ultrasound to Ultra Sound. I am not just sound, I am ULTRAAAAA SOUND. (Again, I am so street most days it hurts.)

I spent the past couple of days being poked and gelled. It started over a really nice Chinese Buffet, which made my middle hurt so bad I couldn't breathe. After I could catch my breath (Realize I have a high pain threshold... I have had a child, I have had kidney stones, I have several tattoos and I am married..) , and finally convince myself to go to the Doctor several days later, I ended up on a little side trip to visit my gall bladder.

All parts are fine, just another kidney infection. (Bet you didn't know these are attached).

I think my digestive system is finally boycotting.. In the past year, I have put on 30 lbs of pure grease and drink enough Diet Coke that they plan their production around me and where I am. So, effective tomorrow, I am getting healthy. I am going to the gym, I am going to eat better and maybe even quit smoking...

Take it from me, when you don't take care of your body, it finds ways to make you listen.. Come be healthy with me so we can all be Ultra Sound....

Ketchup

2009-01-28T15:28:00.001-08:00

Just to get everyone caught up...

Zach is better. He ended up having Mono over the Christmas break. Between Mono, the stomach flu and a concussion, he is finally feeling better. He has been snowed in the past couple of days at OVU. Maybe they will start class again Thursday.

Stan is feeling better. One more month..

The Little Grandma is back home. She had a bacterial intestinal thing happening and spent a couple of nights in the hospital.

Wave

2009-01-08T17:18:00.000-08:00

I usually leave the house on Sunday mornings by 9:15 AM. At the end of my street, I always meet an older man, standing on the side of the road, waiting for his ride to church. He always is in a suit and stands very dignified while he waits.

The first few weeks, I really didn't pay attention to the pattern. My head is full of what I am going to teach in Sunday School and trying to make sense of the running list in my head.

But one Sunday, I waved. I think he was so surprised, he just stared after my car as I headed up the road. And then I waved the next Sunday, and the next. And then he started to wave back.

Now my Sunday morning isn't complete unless we wave.

Hope

2009-01-06T19:09:00.000-08:00

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Celebrate. Remember. Fight Back.

See Robin Relay

2009-01-06T14:29:00.001-08:00

See Robin Relay
Help Robin Relay
Relay Robin Relay

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/robinboraski

My goal is to raise enough money to cover one round of Zofran (nausea drug) for Mom. ($1700).

My wish would be to raise enough to cover one round of Zofran and a wig. [Remember how much better Mom felt after she bought this.] A wig let her pretend everything was okay when she looked in the mirror. I think we paid about $200 for this after everything was said and done. (Wig Conditioner, Wig Head, Wig Shampoo, Some pantyhose looking thing to put over her head.). Mom's wig ended up at the ACS in Raleigh.

I am still trying to think of fund raising ideas. If you think of any, please drop me an email. On the web site, you can also buy luminaries for this Relay if you are interested.

Our Relay for Life starts May 1 in Holly Springs at Womble Park. The details are still being worked out.

Addition/Subtraction and Boiled Feet

2008-12-27T06:26:00.000-08:00

This is from earlier last week.. I just couldn't push the publish button:

When I sit here this morning, I miss Mom. I have had a hard time with Christmas this year. December is when everything starts. Zach and I spend Christmas Eve night with Mom and go to the Christmas Eve service at First Pres in Kernersville. Later that night, Mom tells me she felt so bad that she sat there and prayed "Just to be able to make it through this service with us and not be sick. To have this memory and not be sick." I spent Zach's Birthday last year with Mom doing Chemo. This round is where Mom has the allergic reaction to the Oxalaplatin and we spend Saturday/Sunday at Wesley Long worried that she has had a stroke.

This year has left me with a list of people that I will continue to miss. I miss the space you filled in my life.

This year has also brought a new list of people that I didn't know I missed. For everyone that helped me take care of Mom, I miss you. For everyone that took care of me, I miss you. And again, I am so thankful for everything that you did for us.

What has helped me push the button is I got my feet boiled today.. As I kept trying to work my way out of the boiling hot water, all I could hear is Mom saying "We no boil feet here..."

Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T18:25:00.000-08:00

Zach and I just got back from our Christmas Eve Service at church. One of the duties of Elder is to serve Communion. I am always deeply grateful for this opportunity. I can't find the words to express how my heart feels to serve my church family.

During the service, what always speaks to me is the passage "This bread and wine are now set apart from a common use to a holy use. " Things that normally sit on the counter and in the fridge are now set apart, to join us together and celebrate this physical act that is the cornerstone of our relationship with God.

This is what I want for Christmas.. I want to be set apart from a common use. I want to be more. I want us all to be more.. More loving, more giving, more trusting, more caring, more more.

I want to live in a world where everyone is warm, safe and full.

The IN Crowd

2008-12-21T19:56:00.000-08:00

I was reading a blog tonight and didn't need to google any words. I knew them by heart.

It is amazing the words that we couldn't spell 2 weeks ago, we can now say and recite the definition by heart. We become a walking PDR for meds, our hands are raw from the washing, and we always cough in the crook of our elbow. We learn to change bandages, figure out morphine doses, and deal with IV's.

We toss words like port and tumor markers in our conversations. We know the fast pass trick at the Emergency Room (3 little words "High Dose Chemo"). We know to steal the adhesive remover packets whenever we see them because they are like gold. We know to flush twice after chemo.

I don't want to know these things. I don't want anyone to know these things. I don't want to be in the In Crowd, that group of people that has cared for someone with cancer or been that person. I pray for the day that cancer is something we talk about in the past tense in a scary bedtime story. "When you were little, there was this horrible thing called cancer. It made people very sick. But one day, very smart people figured out how to make everyone all better and no one had cancer ever again."

Christmas Presents

2008-12-18T16:32:00.000-08:00

I bought my first Christmas presents at the Walmart Monday morning at 3:00 AM. For as long as I can remember, Ken and I have always done Christmas bags for our Meals on Wheels guys. When one of his guys is in a Scout Troop, the troop usually does cards. It is a mixture of oranges/apples/homemade cookies and whatever else we can find plus some type of decorated bag.

Christmas has been on the downswing for the last couple of years at my house. Mom was so whacked about Christmas 2 years ago and last Christmas, we spent with Mom at her house.

There will be a lot less outside stuff happening and hopefully a little more inside stuff happening this year. Some years, I get so wrapped up in the what and forget the why. I forget this is the beginning, when the word becomes Flesh and walked among us. When a small baby in a far away place is born. And in this small baby, the infinite divinity of our God is realized.

Happy Easter

2008-12-12T10:32:00.000-08:00

This is Mom and I in my back yard a couple of years ago. I want to put it around Easter. I have on my "flute playing" dress. I think I played for Easter and Mom came up to church. The house behind us is Mack and Helen. We are sitting on a tree stump left over from Fran. Mom's camera is on her tripod. How cute are we?

My Christmas List

2008-12-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

I have been very good this year. Please get me ApexSQL Diff. I promise I will use this only for good. I will keep all of my development and production databases on a common revision. If you buy me ApexSql Developer, I promise I will never write a cursor again and will actually document my code. If you are strapped and need to put this in the next budget year, my demo doesn't expire until 1/2/2009.

Your friend,
Robin

No Way Out

2008-12-02T16:21:00.000-08:00

I just hit 1500 miles on my car this week. To celebrate, I extended the XM subscription on the radio. I am amazed at the amount and type of different channels. The idea of an "Elvis" channel simply tickles me. I haven't figured out the new presets yet. NPR and the BBC are the only XM channels assigned to a button at this point. I am a freak that listens to BBC in the AM on NPR.

The best thing about the radio at this point is remembering all the songs I had forgotten. Jefferson Starship singing "No Way Out", some Old School Rap to get back in touch with my inner street, anything by Squeeze, every song I sang in High School, and more Grunge (guess now it is called "Alternative") than I can ever listen to.

If I can just get the bluetooth in the GPS to trained to understand where I want to go (Go Homah), this will be the most perfect car in the world without heated seats.

Creepy Mouse

2008-11-28T17:19:00.000-08:00

Creepy Mouse came to visit Zach this week.

When you are deep asleep, Creepy Mouse comes and sings the "Creepy Mouse... Creepy Mouse" song and tickles you until you are awake (usually begging the Creepy Mouse to stop at the top of your lungs). Mom always was the best Creepy Mouse because of her fingernails.

I am now the Creepy Mouse in the House. Just one more reason to miss Mom.

Blue Apples

2008-11-23T12:37:00.000-08:00

Stan has spent the last week taking down the wallpaper in the kitchen. The oldest layer, which has incredibly bonded to the walls in the addition, is beige with blue flowers and a pink border. When I walk into the kitchen now, it is like walking into a 1980's country kitchen. I can't decide if I am dizzy or just nauseous when I see the little blue dancing apples.

We are in the process of painting/carpet and moving stuff around to get situated for Bev to move in. Bev is going to end up in our bedroom and we are trying to figure out where Stan and I will lay our head and put our clothes. No matter what happens, we are in for a huge yard sale. Don't be scared if you see a POD in front of our house for a few months. We are just cleaning up. Welcome to the next iteration of the Boraski Bed and Breakfast.

Solid Ground

2008-11-14T15:52:00.000-08:00

Over the past few weeks, the ground has gotten more solid around me. I think it is a combination of the medicine and the talking. For the first time in a long time, I am starting to feel like me again. I am not saying that I am still not crying and I don't miss Mom horribly, but it doesn't feel as sharp as over the summer.

I am not the same me as last year. This weekend last year was spent getting ready for Mom to have surgery. Zach was getting ready to sign his Letter of Intent and my only worries were what we were going to eat for Thanksgiving. I normally take the week of Thanksgiving off to get ready for everything that happens in December.

My calendar is getting ready to cross when Mom got sick last year. I go into this Wednesday knowing this day will change my world. I go into this Wednesday never imaging how it will end. I go into this Wednesday with a picture of Mom in my car on the way to the hospital calling Susan to get her "those PJ's at Chico's" so she will match her robe as she lounges around after her surgery. I go into this Wednesday never imaging I would put those PJ's on Mom after she died.

My name is Stan. I am a big stupid head.....

2008-11-10T16:32:00.000-08:00

My name is Stan. I am a big stupid head. I can't see my feet but I can drive my truck. When I was just washing my neck, all my steri strips remarkably fell off so I shaved around my incision. If I could find the scissors, I would trim a couple of the stitches that are sticking out of my neck. Oh yeah, I am a big stupid head.

6 vertebrae in my neck are now fused together and cushioned with something that looks like dice. A big stupid head is very heavy and needs metal plates to hold it up.

Somebody please pinch me....

SMART Goals

2008-11-09T15:21:00.000-08:00

I still am finding new things in Mom's stuff. She had a CD called Tapestry which is a bunch of random people singing Carole King songs. In this CD is a small yellow piece of paper with the definition of Smart Goals, plus TQM and the words "outside the box". I remember this rant with Mom. We have all been a part of this, whatever the magic words of the time to make us more efficient, balanced and motivated workers. I am working up to a random fit and Mom is taking notes.

Stan is feeling better and is also moving around better today. Several people have stopped by or called this weekend to check on him, and have also brought us dinner. We have moved slow this weekend and it has been good for both of us. This is my last slow weekend before the end of the year. I have barely checked email since Wednesday and have taken naps this weekend as Stan has taken naps. I think maybe I am rested (finally).

The hospital stay with Stan was harder that I thought it would be. Stan around the corner from the room that Mom stayed in when we were at Western Wake. This means I knew were the secret snacks were located. A couple of nurses asked me where I worked, and I when I answered, they had assumed I was "medical". No, I told them, I had taken care of my Mom.

Showerin' Stan

2008-11-08T06:52:00.000-08:00

We are home and doing okay. Stan took a shower this morning. He is walking around like he has a stick up his butt (I am not sure if this was extra), but other than that, all is well. I thought I had this down after Mom, but Stan brings "caregiving" to a new level. Stan having surgery is like having a new baby, without the stitches and big boobs.

More later.

Necked

2008-11-04T18:04:00.000-08:00

I love all this word implies. You can't say this word without a little smile.

Stan is getting necked in the AM. We need to be at Western Wake at 5:30 AM. His surgery should take about 6 hours. The current plan is that he will come home Thursday. Stan had a cervical fusion about 5 years ago. They are going to go above the fusion and repair the 3 busted disks above the fusion, and then re-fuse (don't get out the green pens) the entire stretch. Needless to stay, I won't be turning his head any time soon. Also, he won't be able to see his shoes after this. I remember a long couple of months where I couldn't see my feet with Zach and he had to tie my shoes. We will see if he likes wearing shoes that don't match....

Decorating Advice

2008-10-30T17:23:00.000-07:00

Mom's room has a strange smell to it. I was talking tonight about how I want this room back. I put my clothes in this room to make me go in here. I haven't been able to sleep on the bed or sit in the chair, but when Mom was here, I did both. I am not afraid of this room, but wrapped up in this room is a smell that I associate with Mom being sick.

This room doesn't smell like any other room in the house. Tonight, I finally put my finger on it. Wendy and I painted this room with a low odor paint that matches one of Mom's pillows. Wrapped up in the smell of this paint is the smell of Mom at her sickest, and every time I come into this room, no matter what I spray in here, I smell this.

So, my prescription for the week is to paint this room in the smelliest, stinking paint that I can find.

Just a couple random thoughts/updates to wrap up the day...

1. Stan is having surgery next Wednesday on his neck. More details when I have them but if you were around me during the last 2 back/neck surgeries, you know what a big baby he is.
2. I was one of the judges of the dessert contest at work this morning. I am not a big pumpkin fan, especially at 9:00 AM. Needless to say, almost 12 hours later, I am still regretting this. What I learned: You can't hide pumpkin in anything. Don't eat people made of fondant. Pumpkin and peppers is never a good combination. Don't eat anything served out of a litter box.

Flowers

2008-10-29T10:57:00.000-07:00

Still little peeling left, but here it is.

Aisle Police

2008-10-28T16:26:00.001-07:00

I just got back from a trip last night to the grocery store with Nana. Nana is Stan's Mom. I either call her Bev or Nana, depending on the conversation. To steal from my full sentence friend, Di, I present a yet unnamed list.

1. Everyone in my family (Nana included) considers the candy aisle at the grocery store free game. I can remember taking my Dad to the grocery store and he is stuffing Whoppers in his mouth like a squirrel. Nana was giving him a run for his money today. I think they need to weigh any member of my family as they leave. Needless to say, I don't buy bulk candy at the HT .

2. Wendy, Mom and I have the same knees. I look more like Mom than Wendy, but we all have this flap of skin above our knees that we can fold over.

3. If you were at Mom and Dad's wedding, and ate the Cole slaw, you ate part of my Dad's finger.

4. We had a horse named Leroy Brown.

5. I have slept on the same pillow for 43 years. This pillow was actually Mom's growing up. I think it has 3 feathers left in it and 8 pillow covers on it.

6. Wendy is well known for cutting the hair off dolls. I think she still does this on the side if asked nicely.

7. When Wendy got married, I was pregnant with Zach. She just thought I was getting fat and was mad at me because "I kept eating and Mrs. Cleary had to keep letting out my dress." [I put on 60 lbs with Zach - 40 in the first 5 months.]

Feel free to add to this....

En Pointe

2008-10-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

I really want my Mom today. I really need to talk to her. Why do I have to do the hardest stuff without her? She made this hard, I want her to make it not hard now. If she doesn't fix this, I am going to throw the biggest fit you have ever seen.

Ink Song

2008-10-23T15:59:00.000-07:00

If you know me, you know that I have some ink. I think I am the only one in the family (except my crew) that has any type of decoration.

My first tattoo was a small symbol on my right inner ankle when I was 35. I remember when I emailed a picture to Mom, her only reply was "It looks infected".

I ended up getting my belly pierced when I turned 37. Believe it or not, I never think about it unless I have on a pair of high waisted pants.

About 3 years ago, I had a cross put on the small of my back on the left side. It was actually a magnet that I received for teaching Sunday School one year. I think Cindy said it best.. "I have brought a new level of terror into buying Sunday School teacher presents. Now, they need to worry about what will end up on my back."

In January of this year, I had a small lavender ribbon tattooed on my shoulder for Mom. Mom would tell people about my ribbon, but I rarely would show it. It just became another part of the landscape when I would look at myself in the mirror.

Last Friday, Neal at Blue Flame, put a circles of bright flowers woven around and into my ribbon. Think bright beautiful flowers in blues and purples and that strange orange that Mom liked and yellow and pink and green. Think of how the earth waits patiently in the winter for the sun, and when it feels the warmth, bursts forth in the flowers on my shoulder.

I am still here and I wait for the spring. I long for the warmth. I long for the time when the dark brown cold patches are covered in blossoms and my heart sings.

I know

2008-10-21T17:32:00.000-07:00

I am here. I am just very quiet.

I sat in the chair this week and realized that I held Mom's urn like I held Zach when he was a baby. I miss the weight of both of them. I miss the feel of both of them.

Watch Your Mouth....

2008-10-15T16:08:00.001-07:00

It has been a busy few days. Zach came home Thursday night and brought 22 (count them) loads of laundry. Between getting him situated to go back to school, washing clothes and church stuff , my weekend was crazy. Throw in bronchitis and an ear infection, my cup overflows. Monday brought more talking time, Tuesday brought the Relay for Life Captain's Meeting and dinner with one of my friends. As soon as my head touches my stinky pillow that I have had for 43 years, I am out for the night. Early to bed and whatever the past few days.

But today, I spent the afternoon in Raleigh with some fellow geeks at a PUG meeting, or for the nongeeks, the Progress User Group Fall 2008 Meeting. Progress our database back end. As you have figured out, I have a second grade sense of humor. One of the Progress guys out in the vapor has written a couple of tuning and database admin books. These are like THE definitive books on the subject. The author's last name is Foreman (here comes the potty humor), but in my office we replace "Man" with "Skin". Any time we ever talked about the books in the office, we always used his other name (Don't ask me why, but this is always hilariously funny to us. Almost as funny as when someone will said "Hard Drive" or ask if our name can be changed to Team IT (abbreviate it) ). So today, when I was talking about how good a reference these books were to me, I used his other name, without thinking because that is the name my brain normally knows. I am in a room full of men, talking about the performance tuning book by Fore(Fill in the blank). I am not sure if I need to wash my mouth out with soap or if I am their new hero.

Stand Up

2008-10-09T17:15:00.000-07:00

I stand for my Mom.

I stand for people that are forced to make health care decisions based on their income. I stand for the people who have dedicated their lives to treating this horrible disease. I stand for the people who are unable to afford the medicines that prevent nausea and help control pain. I stand for the people that make the choice to participate in a clinical trial, and in their fight, teach everyone more about this disease. I stand for people who donate their time selflessly to educate, investigate and support everyone that is touched by cancer. I stand for the person that now wears my Mom's wig.

I stand for my Father in Law. I stand for my Aunt. I stand for my Grandmother. I stand for my friends.

I stand and I will walk. The initial kick off meetings for Relay for Life starts next week. I will not sit by in my grief and watch the purple shirts walk by. I will walk with them and for them, and I will celebrate.

Come, Spirit Come

2008-10-08T15:59:00.000-07:00

Our hearts control. Our spirits long to be made whole. Let inward love guide every deed. By this we worship, and are freed. This is the third verse of a hymn called "Though I May Speak" by Hal H. Hopson.

I had my first meeting/appointment with a counselor last night. Last night brought strange dreams of earthquakes and being in the house I grew up in.

I told him his purpose at this point was to listen to what I could not say to anyone else. I needed to be able to give some of the memories to him that I could no longer keep. And he told me, "You will need to give these to me more than once." And since you know how I am by now, I took that away and thought about it on the ride home. This isn't how I thought this would work. I thought I would just give him the memory and he would clean up the mess and make it nice and tidy.

The other thing that came from yesterday was an increase in my dosage. I had told him that after talking this over with Jason, I had opted for counseling for a while to see if that would be an option instead of increasing the dosage. He said that it doesn't take the place of the work we would need to do together, it would just help me to be in a place where I could do the work most effectively.

Maybe the dream last night was to remind me why I started down this path. I feel like what I know about myself has been shaken to the very core.

Fall Back

2008-10-01T16:16:00.000-07:00

I can't figure out if continuing to blog is like picking a scab or lancing a boil. [Equally gross analogies.] Or to put it another way.. Is this helping or hurting? Most blog entries come complete with a pretty decent cry on my side. I wonder if I would explode from the pressure or if it would just harmlessly evaporate? Where would the thoughts that end up on this blog land otherwise?

October reminds me of Dad. Mom and Dad close on the house Monday, Dad has chest pains and goes into the hospital Tuesday and has a quadruple bypass Wednesday morning. On the operating table, Dad has a stroke and the next few months are a new adventure in terror. I can spend the rest of my life not seeing High Point Regional, Wesley Long or Moses Cone Hospital and be perfectly happy.

I always described Dad dying like standing on 2 boxes and having someone kick one out from under you. You could still keep dry, you were a little wobbly, but you still had a box to stand on.

Why can't I get past this? Why can't I get over this? Why does this still hurt? Why do I still cry? Why can't I just be big?

Picture Perfect

2008-10-01T15:48:00.000-07:00

When I talked with Wendy today, she said I needed to warn her when I post pictures. [It is a rare thing.] Wendy said something like "I had forgotten this look" but we both agreed how much we liked this picture.

We all have pictures of Mom, with her hair all prissed up, all made up with every thing perfect. Mom would take a picture of herself in a minute. Big smile, lots of color, lots of everything.

This picture is none of that. Mom is sporting her wig at this point, but still has on some makeup and earrings. I don't see Mom's port accessed, so we may be either starting or getting ready to leave. We are back in the corner in our favorite chair. In my small camera phone, I have the picture of Mom that I carry in my heart. I see love. I see peace. I don't see fear. I don't see pain. I see everything that has brought us to this day that we have spent together. In this picture, in this second, we are together and that is enough.

Happy Mommy

2008-09-29T13:56:00.001-07:00

This is from my old phone. I just spent $20.00 to buy a memory card to move this to somewhere I could keep it. Mom is snug in a warm blanket at George's. I want to put this near the second week of January. It's a good day. All the chemo we can stand and all the cookies we can eat and all the sodas we can drink and all the warm blankets we can ask for.

Uncle

2008-09-28T05:16:00.000-07:00

My body has a way of saying enough. A juicy, miserable case of bronchitis that usually will make me sleep a couple of days and make me feel so much like crap, I forget I have things to do.

So I sleep. [I have slept pretty much since Friday morning.] I had a follow up with Jason on Thursday and he told me my lungs were "crumbly". I can usually count on a round of the yucks when I don't get any downtime. I have been pretty much at work each weekend for the past few weekends and a few late nights thrown in.

The week of Mom's first chemo, I went from Strep on Monday to Bronchitis and a double ear infection by Wednesday. I am a walking germ infested snotty nosed whinny baby. I am sitting in Jason's office crying because I feel like trash, but I have to be better by Friday.

The initial purpose of Jason this week was to check back in after the 29 days. I am going to stay where I am on the dosage, but start counseling for a while. I feel flat right now from the drugs, but for the first time, I can see past the flatness. I think I am in a place where I can talk now, which I haven't been in a long while. I can talk about how scared I was, how I wonder what else I could have done (been more aggressive with Mom's treatment plan, called Hospice earlier), how I wonder if Mom was scared when she died and if she knew we were there and she wasn't alone, and how I wonder what Mom saw in me during the last few weeks and was it what she thought she would see.

Do you see what I see?

2008-09-23T16:51:00.001-07:00

When I saw Aunt Shirley last night, she looked okay to me. Maybe a little tired, but not what I had expected from the family grapevine. Stan and I were talking about this last night, and he said "You only see what you can see."

He saw Mom with clearer eyes than I did. I never saw Mom with Julie's eyes or the eyes of the people who came to visit or the eyes of her friends. I knew Mom lost weight because I could feel it. I could feel it when I touched her. But my eyes never saw it. My eyes never saw it.

You only see what you can see.

Views

2008-09-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

As part of the server crash, we have been moving/scripting/writing stuff to live in the new environment. Different ways of doing the same thing, but my poor fingers and brain have been doing the same thing on this server for about 4 years.

One of the things that got me over the past day or so was when a couple of my databases were moved, they didn't have the same objects. We need to pause for a second for some words: View -A different way to look at a table or groups of tables. They may contain logic or just make the table look friendlier to an end user or enforce security. Views are dynamic and reflect the changing data within the underlying tables. Tables - A place to store data. They stay the same unless you manipulate the data by an update, insert or delete.

What had happened is some of my views had been converted to tables during the copy. You access them the same way, so it took me a while to figure out what I thought was a moving picture was really static. One change in a script had me looking at old data instead of my view moving with the normal data flow.

To clean house, I dropped the tables and recreated the views. And everything started to work again.

To bring this back to my twisted geek self, it made me think more about what I consider moving and what I use to mark that movement. I expected at some point to be back to the old me, but I realize the view of the old me is static. When I imagine my old self at this point, it doesn't move, I have scripted it into a big table. But I don't want to be a table, I want to be a view. I want to reflect everything that has happened and that will happen in my life in a way that is dynamic and changing.

On a way side note, I need to thank Wendy for feeding me last night on the way home. I ran the roads to Aunt Shirley, and stopped by the house on the way back.

Peace, Be Still

2008-09-20T15:24:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with Wendy. I have been in hiding the past couple of days. We had a server crash at work. Put it this way, there is no milk in the house and I am wearing the same jeans that I had on Sunday.

Aunt Shirley is in the hospital. I am not sure of the details, but I am going to run that way Monday to see her.

During one of our trips to the hospital in Greensboro, (I want to put this in December the Saturday after Mom had the reaction to her Chemo that Friday. She had woken up and her face was numb.) we spent Saturday in the ER. I don't remember the details, I just remember Mom being so upset that they ended up sedating her. She was so afraid of what was going on, the possibility of having an MRI, the idea that she had a stroke, she was out of her frame. I was afraid to leave her to go to the bathroom. The nurses in the ER did not have experience with a port like Mom's and I refused to let them access it. I made them put IV's in her arm instead of the possibility of them blowing Mom's port. I argued about medicine and doses. The whole day was spent guarding Mom. At some point in the day, I called Uncle Richard and Aunt Shirley. I just remember when I saw Aunt Shirley, I knew it would be okay. I hadn't cried all day and I just remember thinking, "Aunt Shirley is here. It is going to be okay. I can cry. She will look after both of us. " and I felt the terrible pressure on my chest ease up. And I did cry on her shoulder. And I ate the crackers she had stuck in her purse for me. And they stayed with Mom long enough for me to run back to the house and get everything that we would need to stay however long in the hospital for this round.

Are you sleeping?

2008-09-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

I just got back late last night. I need to upload a couple of pictures to give you a better idea of the past few days. In a few words, I had a wonderful time, learned a lot of good stuff, and saw people that I only see during this conference. If you are looking for distribution/financial software, you would be well served to meet the guys at Apprise Software.

I barely made it to 5:00 today. I think about 2:00 PM, I set my alarm and slept for about 15 minutes. I got home and went to bed. Stan just called me a couple of minutes ago to see if I was sleeping. I jumped out of the bed because I thought it was the alarm. [My body doesn't know where it is.. It thought it was the wake up call.] Needless to say, I am up now and trying to figure out why someone would call you to ask "Are you sleeping?".

Wear My Words

2008-09-13T15:03:00.001-07:00

You have no idea of how much grief I gave Mom over the Chico's addiction. The fabric, the number of different combinations, the matching, the everything. Mom actually had a job at the one in High Point and everyone knew her by name.

I am out of town for a couple of days and needed some business clothes to actually go over my fat butt. [I am +30 lbs right now from when Mom was here. I wish I could say fat and happy, but today I am just fat.] Mom was the only reason I have ever lost weight when I have been stressed, but during the last month, I dropped about 15 lbs. I didn't realize it until I tried on a dress for the funeral. I just felt funny eating when Mom couldn't eat, and a couple of weeks catching throw up pretty much killed my appetite. My normal stress pattern is to eat anything that is moving slow.

Back to my butt... I ended up getting Chico's like stuff for this week at the Belks in town today. [The Belks in Fuquay is the smallest Belks on the planet, plus I know everyone here. Once I had to get a dress for a wedding and the entire Belks dressed me, customers and staff, from the shoes to the whatever. Again, I live in a very small town.] I just wanted something that would go over my butt and not be tight. Black pants, black skirt, black tank top and something brown that looks like a jacket and something blue with a matching shell. Kathy is helping me find stuff (She goes to church with me. ) In theory, I can fit all of this in my purse and have outfits for 4 years. Man do I hate to shop.

Can I get a "I told you so"? Who knows what is next? I may go buy some makeup from a real store.

And the flower would be an offering of love to the dessert

2008-09-12T16:31:00.000-07:00

My biopsy came back today with clear margins. I wondered if I would get the results back before I left this weekend, so I broke down and called the Dr. Good news and a date for the same time next year.

I have a new soundtrack as you can tell from the last couple of posts. Crazy weekend. Too much stuff to do before I flight out Sunday for a few days. And today also brought a tricked out new phone. I need to have a little "Friday Fun" and do a couple of Windows Mobile apps.

I don't know if I have blogged about "Friday Fun" before. I take a hour or so every once and a while and write something fun (always on Friday). Between database conversions and normal stuff, I normally don't write any stuff that can be remotely called cool. Friday Fun things usually more flashy than my normal stuff and are usually proof of concept for some new type of technology or something that one of our users has talked about but it never moves to the front of the list. It may be a "I am too lazy to check something trigger" or a call to read one of the temperature sensors on one of the servers or whatever has been mulling around in the back of my thoughts for the past few days from something I have read.

I have names for other days, like "No Cursor Tuesday", where I make an active effort not to write a cursor. How twisted is that...

And in the sea there is a fish. A fish that has a secret wish.

2008-09-11T16:06:00.000-07:00

A wish to be a big cactus. With a pink flower on it.

I have gone from a round of not dreaming to a round of busy dreams, which is very different for me. They remind me of the vivid dreams from using a patch when trying to stop smoking. When I wake up, I feel like I just closed my eyes, but with a internal feeling of "you were supposed to finish this before you woke up." I wake up tired and behind.

I have a follow up with the Dr next week. We are close to the magic 29 days. For some reason, I thought I would be happy by now. But I am not sure the opposite of sad is happy, but closer to not sad. Maybe this is part of the deal. Maybe if I had just stuck it out, I could have kicked myself over to happy without some chemical assistance. Maybe if I had more faith, I could have prayed myself over to happy. Maybe if I just had more fill in the blank, I would always be happy.

Maybe if I had less doubts, I would always be happy.

Prescriptions

2008-09-08T15:54:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning out some of my older files at work and found this today. When we first started, it was hard to keep up with what we needed to take when and why.

Without further ado, the Mom Take Your Medicine List: (I like to think a copy of this is still floating on the 3rd floor somewhere at High Point Regional.)

Feeling Hot?
Take your temperature. Is it over 100.5? Call George. If you cannot get George, go to the Emergency Room.

Feeling Nauseous?
Have you taken any nausea medicine?

No: Bad Mom. You are supposed to be taking Zofran (Ondansetron HCL) at 8:00 AM and when you go to bed.
Yes: Take Compazine (Proclorperazine) every 4 hours as needed between Zofran (Ondansetron HCL).

Got the Barfs?
Have you taken any nausea medicine?

No: Bad Mom. You are supposed to be taking Zofran (Ondansetron HCL) at 8:00 AM and when you go to bed.
Yes: Take Compazine (Proclorperazine), then when your stomach settles, take your next dose of Zofran (Ondansetron HCL)

If you are still throwing up after 4 hours, take another Compazine (Proclorperazine).
If you are still throwing up after 18 hours, call George.

Got the Poopies?
If you have the poopies, take Imodium by package instructions. If you have 8 poopies or less in a day, double the dose of Imodium. More than 8 poopies in a day, call George.

Got the Owwies?
Make sure your patch is on and does not need changing.
Lick a Percocet (Oxycodone w/APAP 5/325), take ½, 1, or 2 every 4 hours as needed for pain.
If you are still having major Owwies, call George.

Got the Yuck Mouth?
Swish with Magic Mouthwash. Morning/Noon/Dinner/Bedtime - If your throat is feeling sore, swallowing this will help.

Make sure you show George the yuck mouth during your next appointment

Need some Colon Cleansing?
Take Miralax by package instructions.

A Stitch in Time

2008-09-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

It has been a very busy day. Between a wonderful Rally day and the start of Alpha, I am ready to go to bed.

If you know me, I am very protective of my personal space. If you get too close and I don't know you or if you give me a weird feeling, I will turn around and run.

I was in the Narthex today in between Sunday School and Church and saw one of the guys in Church that had some places removed a few weeks ago. I think I was still sporting the band aides while he had big white bandages. His bandages are off and so are mine at this point. So I hiked up my shirt to show him my latest stitches. I have a row about 2 inches on my rib cage on my right side from my Wednesday fun.

And then, I just realized, that church is my personal space. How wonderful is it to be in a place where people know you and accept you and love you for yourself.

Hold My Hand

2008-09-06T16:46:00.000-07:00

Mom had gallbladder surgery the week before Thanksgiving. I remember taking a few days off so I could hang out with her until she was ready to go back to work.

We got up Wednesday morning to do the hospital thing. We checked in, Mom got wheeled around and we hung out until it was time for her to go. I went and hung out in the waiting room. My Uncle Richard came up for a while. It kept taking forever. They had said 1 - 1 1/2 hours. I kept aggravating the volunteer and finally Uncle Richard left around 1:00. The volunteer just said they were backed up and the Dr would be here soon.

After lunch, the Dr and his nurse finally came to the waiting room and began to tell me what they had found. I am in the middle of this large room, crying and trying to make sense of what they are saying. When I started to talk with them, I figured it was okay because they didn't make me go into one of the little rooms. They tell me the cancer is so involved they were not able to remove Mom's gallbladder and there are studs in her abdomen. They said that it looked like someone had blown dandelion seeds where they could see. After this, they leave and tell me Mom will be in her room soon.

I am completely shattered. I sit back down in the waiting room, by myself, crying, unsure what to do next, so sick I feel like I am going to pass out. And then, one of the women in the waiting room comes and takes my hand and tells me "Come on." She gets me something to drink and some crackers, she walks me outside, she holds my hand while I start to make calls. She stays with me until someone comes. I can't tell you what she looked like, what her name was, or why she was at the hospital that day.

The Dr had just handed me the worst day in my life, but in this day is a sweet memory of the woman that I do not know who sat and held my hand until I could feel hers.

Monkey Farts

2008-09-01T14:13:00.001-07:00

Part of packing up Mom's house was finding all of the Christmas presents from years past. On my stove now sits a "Monkey Farts" candle (if you are wondering, it smells like Bananas). I now have a backup "Porky Pooper". (This is a pig that poops cola flavored Jelly Beans.) I am not sure where the Zoo Dude ended up (he was the frog out in the front), but just so you know, he was actually made of poop.

I never really saw the pattern until I sat down today.. I really gave Mom some crap, literally. How funny is that?

Say It Like You Mean It

2008-08-31T16:22:00.000-07:00

One of the ladies from church called me this afternoon. I am chair of Christian Ed and we are bringing back perfect attendance awards this year. We caught up on everything, talked about Rally Day, and at the end, she told me "I love you Robin". I, without thought, said it back.

But when I got off the phone, I did think about it. My heart had jumped in and answered back, and reminded my brain, some things are so simple and pure, you don't need to think about them.

I don't say "I love you" enough. When I do some days, it sounds like a trained response. I love you... I love you too. But maybe, it is more than that. It is my heart speaking, without reserve, without the twisted thoughts that make this so hard to say, without myself protecting me from hurt and rejection.

I love you too Gayla.

World's Best Station Wagon

2008-08-30T03:20:00.000-07:00

The Volvo is no more. Wednesday afternoon, the monster car decided to be very sick. Check engine light was back on, and the engine started skipping. I dropped it off Thursday night at my favorite place, and Friday, Addie called and told me she was very sorry. The amount of work that needed to be done to make the car safe was more than the car was worth, and she couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't need to do more (plus she was afraid for me to drive it to take it some where to trade it). [And now I don't trust the car to take me to OVU and back safely.] They were able to get it running enough for me to drive it to the Honda place to trade.

So, I am now the new Mom to a little black Honda Civic 2 door (Coupe?) with a stick shift. It has the new car smell. My cheap soul wouldn't upgrade to the Accord for leather and heated seats., but I did get power windows and the beepy thing that opens the doors. [Again, I miss the monster car.] This is the 3rd new car I have had in my life and the first one in this decade. It is a large step up from the 72 Ford Pinto that I drove in High School/College. But most importantly, it will get me where I need to go safely and reliably when I run up and down the roads, or into the office in the middle of the night. [I am still trying to talk myself into this car. I really loved the monster car and had hoped to drive it another few years. It was the perfect car when Mom was sick. I had room for everything and it ran the roads without a problem. It was the super Mom tank monster car.] My ultimate replacement car would have been a convertible C70, but I just can't swing a C70 and OVU and sleep at night.

This has been a really stressful week. Zach at school this week, the entire power issue at work, the monster car giving up the ghost, and another little piece of me ended up in a jar at some lab.

Monday, I got a call from the Dr's office that one of the biopsy's from a couple of weeks ago wasn't great, and I needed to come back in to have the area removed to a clear margin. I am sitting here this morning trying to remember the last time I had stitches. Everything is fine, but this was just more stress on an already stressful week. [On a side note, I can't move heavy stuff until this heals. I am certain that includes any type of cleaning.]

I am in and out of the office this weekend trying to get caught up and seeing if I can put a dent in the house.

I'm Only Happy When it Rains

2008-08-28T16:01:00.000-07:00

(Title Complements of Garbage)

We have been dealing with the remnants of Fay. When I walked into the office this morning around 7:00 AM, there were members of my group that had been at work since 1:00 AM. We lost building power, one of the Monster UPS systems blew and our generator failed to start. The batteries were so hot that they were swollen. We are back up, with a few issues related to the servers coming down hard. Friday will be the never ending day as we clean up the mess and deal with the normal end of month stress.

Everything that could have gone wrong did early this morning. Two separate recovery systems failed at the same time on something that we normally drill weekly. We pulled out drop cords and moved users to alternate power sources. We brought in a fan to clear the air of the batteries trying to cool down.

And maybe that is how it is supposed to work. A crash so hard that you need to stop and evaluate your recovery systems. A crash so complete, your first priority is to get functional, and then figure out how to stop this from happening next time. You really never know how your backup systems will support the load, until you make them bear the load. And if they can't bear the load, you plan differently for the next crisis.

Clear Margins

2008-08-27T16:08:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking each day I will feel better. In my head, I have an internal clock running, counting down the 29 days until in theory, the concentration of happy drugs in my body will magically be at the pharmaceutical level required kick me out of the funk.

I wonder what this will feel like. Will I wake up one day and not be sad?

I feel like a big stupid head whinny butt. My body hurts, I want Zach home, I want my Mommy, I hate my hair, I want to sleep. I want to stand on my tip toes and have a dancing hissy fit.

What I miss most right now is being able to call Mom on the phone. I have forgotten what she sounds like. I have forgotten what she smells like.

The Heart of the Matter

2008-08-26T15:54:00.000-07:00

When I came home this afternoon, there were no socks under the computer table, no clothes in the bathroom, no hardened pizza on a plate wrapped in a towel, no 8 pairs of shoes beside the door, and no Zach. I could go for a couple of days and not see him, but I always knew he was here. I spent most of yesterday cleaning up his room. Did you know that Corn Pop's will eventually turn white and cats will not eat Pop Tarts off the floor? (If you have stumbled on this blog by accident and you are getting ready to go to school... CLEAN YOUR ROOM BEFORE YOU LEAVE. Do not make your Mom put on rubber gloves to pick up the stuff behind your bed. She may put it in a plastic bag and send it to school baked in your favorite cookies.)

To make matters even worse, I am now on Facebook (and Zach actually accepted me as a friend.) I don't plan to really post here, but it is nice to have a different way to talk to each other. Stan and Zach are more phone, Zach and I are more Text/Email during the week. How did parents survive this without web access?

Zach starts classes in the morning. The bulk of his classes are MWF from 8-12:35 with a couple of classes from 1-3 on Thursday. The best thing about the Friday is that he could leave after class and be most of the way home (at least in NC by dark). We will know more about his practice schedule soon.

I remember when I went to State. August 23, 1983 - I have a letter that Mom wrote me the day I went to school. We have passed that letter back and forth over the years and added notes. The more things change, the more they remain the same.

Fighting Scots

2008-08-25T04:54:00.000-07:00

We are back home from taking Zach to OVU. (http://www.ovu.edu/ - If you look at Move In Day, you will see Stan in the pictures. Tan shirt moving a TV.)

My child almost didn't make it here. I rode with him up on the 6 hour trip. 1. We couldn't run the air conditioner because he didn't want to burn up HIS gas. Hot Mom. 2. I almost tossed his phone out of the truck several times. He didn't get the "It is illegal for you to text or talk on the phone when you are driving." 3. We played Punchbuggy on the way up. 19 - 3. (I am the 3).

We made it up late Friday night. Move in day started at 9:00 AM. What seemed like a ton of stuff (we made a huge pile before we loaded up), didn't seem like enough stuff when we unpacked it. Zach claimed the bear blanket when it made it to my house for Mom, so he is using this for a bedspread/blanket. Mom had a small TV in the other bedroom that also made the trip. (But when we hooked it up, it wouldn't change channels w/out a cable box - One of the many trips to Walmart for a TV.) 8 million pairs of underwear. I will probably be sending a care package out this week for whatever we forgot. His dorm room has Cable TV, wireless access, a shared phone w/voicemail, air conditioning and a small fridge. [I could live here.]

We had a cookout Saturday night, and we actually sat with the Dean of Students. I cried all over her and Zach's coach.

There are a ton of things around Zach. McDonalds, Old Navy, Walmart and a huge mall down the hill, so worse case, I will send him shopping if he needs something.

Zach's address:
Zachary Boraski
Mail Box 445 (Updated 8/26/08)
Ohio Valley University
1 Campus View Drive
Vienna, WV 26105

He kept his old email address: bengalboy2418@hotmail.com

They will be playing a small number of games this fall. We don't have a schedule at this point. I will let you know when they post the team pictures/biographies up on the OVU site. I need to take the film to get developed and then I will post a few pictures of the weekend.

Better Living Through Chemistry

2008-08-21T14:20:00.000-07:00

I am a chemist by trade, not that I don't appreciate a little Fatboy Slim. I always thought I would end up somewhere studying hemoglobin in a lab with white coats and fume hoods. What can I say, quaternary structures always did something for me. Once I got past the smell of organic/biochemistry, I was hooked.

To help kick me over, I now have some more chemicals to put in my body this week after my visit w/Jason. It is a study of opposites. Medicine to make my blood pressure lower, medicine to make my mood higher, medicine to to make my skin clearer, medicine to make my bones stronger.

I haven't been able to move past the funk lately. Everything that I would normally do to snap out of this hasn't helped. So, this is the next step. A little chemical cocktail to cure what ails you.

We are in the midst of packing to leave in the morning to take Zach to school. Keep us in your thought as we run up and down the highway.

Blankets

2008-08-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

People feel stress in different ways. Stress to me feels like a blanket.

I am lying in bed.
Mom gets sick. Throw on a blanket.
Mom gets sicker. Throw on another blanket.
Mom gets really sick. Throw on another blanket
Work. Throw on another blanket.
Mom's funeral. Throw on another blanket
Zach graduates. Throw on another blanket.
Work. Throw on another blanket.
Work again. Throw on another blanket.
Zach gets ready to go to school. Throw on another blanket.
Work more. Throw on another blanket.
We leave for school Friday. Throw on another blanket.

I am lying in bed smothered in blankets, a stack so high that I can't move. A stack so heavy that I can't breathe. How can I get everything done if I can't get out of bed?

STP

2008-08-18T16:39:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last 3 days messing with code pages. The 2 second version - Code pages are how a computer encodes the character set for a particular standard. Think about all of the symbols in some languages. Code pages are the behind the scenes storage mechanism that is reasonably consistent across all the vendors. We are moving our primary database from one code page to another at Thanksgiving as part of our software upgrade at work. Needless to say, I am in Frgeek Girl mode this week.

Unfortunately, the soundtrack for this project right now is STP. There is nothing like writing conversion programs with "Meat Plow" in the background. It fits what I feel like I am doing to the databases right now. I probably have another 2-3 days before I start working on a different piece of this project for a while. [New app servers are coming so hopefully new music comes with them. This will make three brand spanking new PE1950's in my rack. ]

I feel as dark as the music I am hearing in my ears right now. I can't decide if I am dark because of the music or if I was dark and chose the music to fit the mood.

Body Electric

2008-08-16T16:12:00.001-07:00

Okay, I liked the movie "Fame".

It is has been a busy day, and I am a list of lists. Between work and trying to get Zach off to school, I have become the Lady of the Lists.

Lists to me are not organizational tools, they are instruments of stress. I have always worked from a calendar/master list/task list and I feel very bound by the structure that I use to organize my day. It is the act of writing something down that actually moves it to the part of my brain that organizes my day. [I used a Palm Pilot for the longest time and actually felt more unorganized. I never got past the act of writing. It was such an effort to write a note, that I lost the path that moved this to my organizational brain. I would write the appointment down, but would never file it internally, so I always felt like I was free falling across the day.] Typing actually accomplishes the same purpose for me. Once I can organize my thoughts on paper, I no longer need the paper.

When I pulled in the driveway, I had forgotten to go to the cleaners (the tickets are on the visor, but it hadn't made it to my list) and I had the greatest idea. I wish I could associate a physical feeling with a task. I want the same sense urgency and relief when I accomplish something on my list. [Think of about going to the bathroom when you are pregnant - I want that feeling.]

I am coming into a busy week, day trip on Wednesday, Zach to school Friday and all of the stuff that needs to happen in between. I am in another round of "I can't sleep", but this is more of I can't slow my body/mind down, rather than the go to sleep and get up in the middle of the night. Have a Dr.'s appointment Thursday, so we will see if Jason has any new ideas.

Let it be

2008-08-14T17:03:00.000-07:00

I spent most of last night on the phone with Grandma. If you know Mom, you know how stressful her relationship was with Grandma. I was never strong enough to stand up to her. I would never disagree, I would live in neutral land, never taking a stand.

Last night, enough was enough. Mom always told me if she sounded like Grandma, to tell her. That was one of her worst fears. Mom and I talked about this. I figured that Grandpa tempered Grandma, and now that he is no longer here, there is no longer a buffer.

Maybe you will read what Grandma could not hear. You will never have enough time to tell the people you love what they mean to you, even if you have forever. You will never have enough time to forget the regrets, the I wish I would have done this/said this/been this. You make the choice to hold on to the reasons that keep you from the joy of knowing and loving someone. Love is not measured by deeds or actions. Love is not conditional.

Your life is what you make of it. If you chose to sit in your hatred and jealousy, I will not sit beside you and hold your hand.

Happy Birthday Mom

2008-08-12T18:29:00.000-07:00

Today is Mom's Birthday. Mom would be 62. I took today off to run around with Zach to try and get him ready for school. We leave next Friday.

I really had good intentions but I slept until 10:00 AM. I can't remember the last time I have slept that late. Now I have 8 million things to finish before the day ends.

I miss the stupid cards and the stuff for Mom's birthday. I miss being able to say "Happy Birthday my Mommy". I miss her.

I am the same age as Mom was when Zach was born. How different our lives are at this point. At 43, both of us were out of the house (or on our way out - Wendy got married in July and Zach was born in December.) Next week, I will have an empty house.

Wendy is a Big Stupid Head

2008-08-11T14:56:00.000-07:00

Really, she is. A really big STUPID Head. If you don't know, Mrs. STUPID HEAD has been at the beach all week. And she doesn't love me enough to get me a $26.00 T-Shirt. (You know the one.. You called me and teased me about it...)

The more things change, the more they remain the same. I am on my way to Water Aerobics tonight. (I am thinking this counts as a bath. I am multitasking...)

Just a random thought tonight to embarrass my child..

Maybe about a month after Mom, Zach sat me down on the couch and told me... "I am having a tough time. Between baseball and Bama, I just have had a hard time this year. But if you bought me a Mustang, I think I would feel better." [Realize he worked into this. And I mean worked. He started off with baseball (I didn't see a full game this year, he only hit 2 home runs, he hurt his arm...), and after he saw that wasn't going anywhere, he added what he thought would be the ultimate I am going to win reason... Bama]

I thought about it for a couple of minutes, and told him, "I just don't love you enough for a Mustang. Good try."

And then he smiled at me. I told him he almost had me for a couple of seconds until I realized I was being played. (And if anyone is going to get a Mustang, it would be me...)

Needless to say, I was in the Bad Mom house until he needed gas money.

Zach called Mom Bama. When Zach was little, we had Nana - Stan's Mom, the Little Grandma - our Grandma because she is little, and Bama. When Zach was born, I asked Mom what she wanted him to call her.. She said Pat. Somehow we worked into Bama. For about 2 seconds, Zach called her the Big Grandma (but this did not go over well).

Running on Empty

2008-08-09T15:34:00.001-07:00

I have had a package on my mail trunk for a few days from PCUSA Theology Worship and Education. From my blog, you can tell I am an active Elder at this point, I teach a Sunday School Class (the best class in the entire world), and have been wrestling with both my faith, my call, and the actions of my denomination

So when I am in doubt, I go back to the beginning. I read my Bible, I try to be still and listen to God's purpose in my life. I joined a group called Order of Elders that I found the PCUSA site. Part of the commitment is to read daily, pray daily for our church, and make an active effort to follow the Lectionary reading. We are also reading Psalms over and over this year. Another part of the commitment is to read as a group and discuss a few books that are sent to us during the year.

I finally got around to opening the package this afternoon. The book for this quarter is called "Running on Empty: Contemplative Spirituality for Overachievers" by Fil Anderson. The book was enclosed with a letter from Rev Stephany Jackson, one of the partners on the staff team.

Just to pull out a few words from his letter. ".. recognize how much more important it is to be the church than it is to do all of the things that need to be done in the church." Plus there were some Jackson Browne lyrics (Do you know this song was a hit in 1978?)

In the mail, I just got the right book at the right time. When I needed a push, it came in a brown package today. When you hear some people talk about how God works in their lives, you hear stories of great action, revelation, and great purpose. I wish I was one of those people who saw the burning bush or heard the voice in the night. I wish I had this loud boisterous faith that seems so steady and all consuming.

But that is not me and mine. It is in the quiet still that I find God, and the subtle pushes and pulls that he places in my life, are as loud to me as anything I can imagine. I am not sure he needs to be loud right now when I feel Him so close.

Band Aid Test

2008-08-08T15:31:00.000-07:00

If you have seen me around this week, you know I am sporting a BandAid on the left side of my face. There are a couple more in other places, but the one on my face is the one you can see.

It is amazing how having something on your face can change your entire attitude. When I look at myself in the mirror this week, I have these huge circles under my eyes and this stupid BandAid on my face and a chin full of monster zits. Needless to say, I am feeling great about myself this week. I am so out of sorts with my outside this week, it is creating all kinds of havoc inside.

Wednesday was the beginning of Doctor Fest 2008, and to celebrate, there are now 3 little pieces of me sitting in line at some lab waiting for their turn. Doctor Fest 2008 will run the next couple of weeks and will probably bring a couple more lectures (eat right, exercise, stop smoking, stop stressing, stay out of the sun, stop taking advil like it is candy) . Needless to say, strangeness abounds the next couple of weeks.

You know who you are

2008-08-07T17:01:00.000-07:00

You know pieces of me. You know my birthday because you were there. You may remember what I looked like, you may remember your name for me, but you don't know me.

You don't know my sister. You don't know what you missed. (If you found this, maybe you get a glimpse.)

We wonder why, Wendy and I. We wonder for different reasons, but we wonder. We were afraid to look around at Mom's funeral because we thought we might see you there (or someone we thought might have been you). We were afraid to look at our mail, because we thought you might try to contact us.

You know who you are. And we are as protective of each other as Mom was of us.

And all God needs is gravity to hold me down

2008-08-06T14:41:00.000-07:00

[Gravity - Allison Krauss]

I have been in a strange place the past couple of days. Honestly, most of yesterday was good. I did what I needed to do at work, the nice guys at PA Smith fixed the monster car, and Angie didn't lie when she said, "The more often you do yardwork, the less it hurts."

But I am driving back from Cary, and I pass Wake Med, and just start to cry. That hospital is the beginning. In my head, Mom was doing okay. She was weak, but okay before we ended up here. This is where we started with Hospice, this is where Mom refused the NG tube, this is where we got the DNR papers, this is where how this was going to end became real. This is where Mom took off the necklace that is around my neck. This is the last time Mom rode in a car with me. This is where everything moves into light speed.

I know, some days, you just put your head down and do whatever needs to be done. When we came back home, it was like Freaky Friday. Mom take your medicine, Mom you can't eat that, Mom you need to do this, Mom you need to do that, Mom take some more medicine.

I became Martha when I wanted to be Mary. I became the parent when I wanted so much to still be the child. I became the me that you see when I really liked the old me.

The circus is falling down on its knees

2008-08-05T17:57:00.001-07:00

Counting Crows is providing the soundtrack for tonight's cry.

The big top is crumbling down

I need a rain coat.

I need a big love.

Where you should be, no one's around.

And I get no answers
And I don't get no change
It's raining in Baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same

Theres things I remember and things I forget
I miss you
I guess that I should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven'
Now the days go by so fast

And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

Good Grief Charlie Brown

2008-08-04T14:42:00.000-07:00

Before I started the Hospice group, in my mind, it was the end all be all experience that would make everything perfect. I would learn how to deal with whatever made me cry and at the end, I would be over this. I would be one of those people who has made peace with this year and everything that has happened.

But I can't make myself go to this right now. I have missed the last 3 weeks and honestly, am not planning to go to the last 2 meetings. I just can't walk into the building. I just can't sit in the room and say Mom's name. I am not ready for this to be real.

There are things I need to say that I can't. I can't give the horror and fear of these days to anyone else to bear in their heart. So here I will stay for a while. Until I am not afraid and the day to day memories are not so painful. And then I will try again.

Table and Hairs

2008-08-02T16:10:00.001-07:00

I have Mood Hair. The blond streakies just weren't me. Mom had some hair thing that had a comb and wires and hair and strange stuff. I never could figure out how to wear it for real, and I don't know if it ever came out in the light of day, but it is my new color. [If you have been to Mom's, this hung out in the middle of the sinks in her bathroom.] I brought it today and asked Gina to match this. [She said I was the first person to bring hair to match.] It is more brownish red with some blond highlights. It is closer to how I normally think of my hair. In the past few months, I have been black, brown, blond and now reddish brown. You would think my hair would just be so mad it would just fall out at this point.

Now for the table side of this. I have finally cleaned off the kitchen table. It has been covered with cards and thank you notes for Mom, plus Zach's graduation announcements. Every time I looked at all the stuff on this table, I broke out in hives. We haven't eaten at our dinner table in several months.

Bear with me now for a minute. On a side note, during Session, I asked that we bring the Communion Table back to the front of the church. [After the fact, I called it a rant.] It has been pushed to the side under the pulpit. I really have spent some time in thought and prayer over why this was so important to me. I ended up reading "Invitation to Christ" from the PCUSA site. They talked about churches that have the Communion Table so cluttered with other things or is away from view, that the purpose of this table gets forgotten. To come back to my dinner table, if the table is cluttered, you are not using it for it's original purpose: to be a place where you can come together as a family and eat and share. And to take it a step more, when you are hungry, you know that when you sit here, you will be in a place of love and will be fed.

To bring this to me, if I am cluttered, I am not being used for my original purpose. And I have been cluttered with grief, anger, and doubts.

Birthday Girl

2008-07-30T15:10:00.000-07:00

Mom got her first birthday card today. The pharmacy that did the compounding for the BHR suppositories sent her a birthday card. Just a little background on these guys. Tom Jones Compounding Pharmacy is located in Garner. (They are in the process of moving.) Mr. Jones is an active supporter of Hospice. We wore the same painful shoes. Normally, we would get our meds from the Hospice pharmacy, but Mom was allergic to Ativan [It usually has a A in the name. ABHR]. This particular suppository needed to be specially made. I think I blogged earlier about the day and how crazy this was, but Mr. Jones waited for me and stuck candy in my bag. The card is bittersweet. It reminds me that we will miss this birthday together, but it also reminds me of the kind and caring people that helped me take care of Mom.

For an Early Mom Birthday Story. When Mom was in Charlotte, she thought she was 59. For some reason, Ron helped her with the math and she realized she was 60 instead of 59. I remember her calling me and asking me how old she was. I don't know if she just decided she wasn't going to be 60 or what. I am glad it wasn't ME that told her.

If you don't know, Mom and I had a running rule. This rule came into being when she started dating again after Dad died. - You are not allowed to date anyone younger than me and I will not date anyone older that you. - So if you dated Mom, and I met you , the first question out of my mouth was "How old are you?". Just know, I was just making sure we were in dating rule compliance.

Drink Me. Eat Me.

2008-07-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

I feel like Alice. Mom's makeup and assorted lotions, oils and mysterious powders came back with me this weekend from Wendy's. I always liked taking a shower at Mom's because of the rows and rows of stuff. I would normally scrub off the top layer of my skin, my hair would drip oil and my face would break out from trying out all of the stuff in there.

All of Mom's stuff is saying Try Me. The smelly bath power, the blue eye liner and the bright coral blush.

If you see me, and if I am either covered in a big rash, have bright cheeks or some other strange makeup thing going on, just smile.