I would really like a cigarette today. I mean REALLY... I dream of the smell, the taste, the feel of all of that delicious smoke dancing in my lungs... It has been 10 weeks and some change since I stopped smoking. You would think it would get easier each day but it seems to get worse. It wasn't hard for me to stop this time, which has been very different. I am having week one in week ten. You would think I would know better. Somehow, during all the bladder/kidney stuff last week, they found a nodule in the left lower lobe of my lung. It doesn't look like anything serious, I just am on schedule for CAT scans for a while. You would think the idea would be enough to wipe the taste of a cigarette out of my mouth.
Wendy and I went and put out flowers for Mom and Dad yesterday. I am not sure how this works. There was a beautiful black round vase with flowers near Mom. Thank you. We took some of the green stuff and mixed it back in with our flowers. They have the brightest flowers in the cemetery and are the envy of everyone on their row. I absolutely hate this. I could have just laid on the ground and thrown a fit. While I was waiting for my test results this week, (I had the CAT scan on my way to Relay and actually sold some shirts), all I could think of is that I didn't want to be sick without my Mom.
I saw my Aunt Shirley yesterday as part of the day. In my heart, I think Mom heard me and knew me and felt me when it was time for her to leave. She knew the feel of my hands and the sound of my voice and she knew I had kept my promise and she was not alone. I took it for granted that she would know me. I am not sure Aunt Shirley knew me yesterday. My friends Mom died last week while in Hospice. This is all leading up to ..I HATE CANCER. WHY DON"T WE HAVE A CURE YET? WHY DON"T WE HAVE EFFECTIVE TREATMENTS FOR ALL TYPES OF CANCER? WHY DO WE STILL RELAY 25 YEARS LATER? WHY?
