Who is this new person?

When did I become this new person? I am not sure I like her. She wakes up in the middle of the night to check on someone that is no longer here. She sleeps with Mom's dog. She can't delete Mom's name off her phone. Her prayers are muddled and angry. She cries when she fills out forms for luminaries. She cries for no reason. She is so incredibly jealous of the people in the purple shirts. I wanted to see my Mom in a purple shirt today. I wanted to walk beside her and be proud of her on the second lap and be able to say "You did it. We did it". Instead, I sat in my chair, cheered for the people that walked by me today and cried.

I bought a luminary for Mom this morning and will light it tonight at the Remembrance ceremony tonight at 9:00 PM. I have cried all day over the idea of seeing Mom's name on one of these simple white bags. I really debated over this while we were setting up this morning if I could do this. The old me would have done it in a heartbeat and thought nothing more of it. This new me can barely write my Mom's name on the paper. When did I become this new person?

Long Distance

Before Mom was sick, my Saturday would start with a short jaunt to work about 6:00 AM. About 8:30 or 9:00, I would call and we would have our Saturday "What are you doing?" chat. I would hear about Mom's week and what everyone was doing while she was still in bed. What do I do now?

This has been a really hard week for me. I miss the physical. I just want to hear her voice, I want her to tuck me in, I want her to listen to me whine, I just want. I want so much it hurts.

There is just this deep sharp emptiness at this point. I remember the emptiness when Dad died, but I don't remember the sharpness. I know it is time to stop crying, but I just don't think I am finished yet.

This weekend is Relay for Life. From the ACS Web Site:
The American Cancer Society Relay For Life represents the hope that those lost to cancer will never be forgotten, that those who face cancer will be supported and that one day – cancer will be eliminated. Celebrate. Remember. Fight Back. -- I am grateful for the resources that this funds. For us, it funded a dietitian to help me find things for Mom to eat and resources when Mom was first diagnosed.

Church is participating and I need to take drinks/water for us to sell. I am not sure how long I will make it past the opening ceremonies. I missed all of the sign ups/committee stuff this year. I am almost thankful. I don't think I could bear seeing Mom's name on a luminary this year.

I keep thinking that whatever post I do will be the last, but this has really been helpful to me to write here for a while after Mom.

Maybe I'm Amazed

A great deal of you started somewhere in the middle with this blog. A few of you started at the end and used this blog to catch up with was what going on with Mom. And a couple of you started right at the beginning.

I was downstairs today at work and someone caught me and we talked about how different her experience was than the one I shared with you. She was amazed at the wonderful people that came in my house, read the blog, sent food and cards, sent countless prayers and helped me care for Mom. She couldn't get over how large my support system grew during Mom's time with me and my family.

I am grateful. You allowed me to give my entire focus to Mom during this time. You helped me care for her in a way that I could not have never imagined or been able to do by myself. Without your support, I could not have done this for my Mom. How can I ever say thank you enough?

I am not sure how much longer I will continue to post to Mom's blog but I my email address will continue to work. Please do me a favor and send me your mailing address and contact information, if you get a chance.

Thanks,
Robin