Tense

I have noticed that I have a hard time with with the correct tense lately when I talk about Mom. My sentences have shifted from will to was, from do to did, from call to called. My conversations have Mom in the present tense, but she is not present.

But, I have started making lists again, and putting dates on my calendar. For the past few weeks, I haven't been very organized. I haven't consistently answered my email. I do good to get up and wash my hair and shave my legs most days. I am starting to put things on my calendar past the current week and am beginning to move back to my wound tight over busy self again. I need to put my life back in the present tense. Clean my house, do my work, go to church, spend time with my family, spend time with my friends, get out of bed, put on something besides my child's shorts, write thank you notes, be a Mom.

When I woke Zach up this morning, he told me about the dream he has been having the past few days. It hit me that I have been so wrapped up in my grief, that I have completely ignored what was happening with him. My child saw Mom every day while she was sick. He brought her Cherry Blizzards and would sit with her while I ran errands. He was strong enough to come home that Wednesday and say good bye to Mom, and hold her hand and tell her that he loved her, when she couldn't tell him back. He was here.

Zach has friends that are afraid of our house now. Our house is a house of love. There is only love here. And love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things.

And now, for your listening pleasure, George Clinton

Okay.

I am ready for this to be over now. For some reason, I have been in tears today. Like I said before, I enjoy a good Funk but I can't seem to get out of this one.

I thought I was sleeping better but Monday night brought a screaming nightmare that had me running down the hall. I don't know what had me screaming, but I woke Stan up on the couch.

I made the mistake of watching Green TV last night. What piece of my brain holds the morbid curiosity that kept me from flipping the channel last night? It would serve me better to hold baseball statistics or some other inane piece of information. Instead, I watched a short segment on green funerals and put Mom in every room and place.

Stop

Have you ever been in a situation where you just wished everyone would stop. Stop talking on their cell phones, stop walking around, stop everything... and just be aware of the importance and significance of the moment you are sharing together?

In the past month or so I have been to Zach's Graduation and the Luminary Ceremony for Relay for Life. Both of these contained people that just needed to stop. Have we become such a disrespectful society that we are unable to recognize there are times to be still and quiet?

During Relay for Life, I thought that maybe because I was at such a hard stop, that any type of movement would seem faster than normal. But after today, I have decided that the people who don't stop during these times, don't stop for anything. Think about the things they miss.

New Hair

If you have seen me lately, you know I have had the Goth hair happening for a few weeks. Deep dark brown hanging in my eyes, sticking out all over the place. Well, I have new Happy Hair. Light and streaky and perky. And I have 8 million partially used bottles of Hair Stuff from Mom. I thought maybe New Hair would help clear the funk, but now, when I look in the mirror, I just see someone I don't recognize. I am not ready for the responsibility of New Hair. I don't want to style it, I don't want to wear the makeup that matches the New Hair, I don't want the clothes to come out of the closet that match the New Hair, I don't want to be the person that my New Hair looks like.

I want my old hair back. I want to sleep all day in my PJ's and eat loaves and loaves of bread with mayonnaise. My life is changing much too fast. My son graduates Wednesday from High School. Pretty soon, my house will be even emptier.