Body Electric

Okay, I liked the movie "Fame".

It is has been a busy day, and I am a list of lists. Between work and trying to get Zach off to school, I have become the Lady of the Lists.

Lists to me are not organizational tools, they are instruments of stress. I have always worked from a calendar/master list/task list and I feel very bound by the structure that I use to organize my day. It is the act of writing something down that actually moves it to the part of my brain that organizes my day. [I used a Palm Pilot for the longest time and actually felt more unorganized. I never got past the act of writing. It was such an effort to write a note, that I lost the path that moved this to my organizational brain. I would write the appointment down, but would never file it internally, so I always felt like I was free falling across the day.] Typing actually accomplishes the same purpose for me. Once I can organize my thoughts on paper, I no longer need the paper.

When I pulled in the driveway, I had forgotten to go to the cleaners (the tickets are on the visor, but it hadn't made it to my list) and I had the greatest idea. I wish I could associate a physical feeling with a task. I want the same sense urgency and relief when I accomplish something on my list. [Think of about going to the bathroom when you are pregnant - I want that feeling.]

I am coming into a busy week, day trip on Wednesday, Zach to school Friday and all of the stuff that needs to happen in between. I am in another round of "I can't sleep", but this is more of I can't slow my body/mind down, rather than the go to sleep and get up in the middle of the night. Have a Dr.'s appointment Thursday, so we will see if Jason has any new ideas.

Let it be

I spent most of last night on the phone with Grandma. If you know Mom, you know how stressful her relationship was with Grandma. I was never strong enough to stand up to her. I would never disagree, I would live in neutral land, never taking a stand.

Last night, enough was enough. Mom always told me if she sounded like Grandma, to tell her. That was one of her worst fears. Mom and I talked about this. I figured that Grandpa tempered Grandma, and now that he is no longer here, there is no longer a buffer.

Maybe you will read what Grandma could not hear. You will never have enough time to tell the people you love what they mean to you, even if you have forever. You will never have enough time to forget the regrets, the I wish I would have done this/said this/been this. You make the choice to hold on to the reasons that keep you from the joy of knowing and loving someone. Love is not measured by deeds or actions. Love is not conditional.

Your life is what you make of it. If you chose to sit in your hatred and jealousy, I will not sit beside you and hold your hand.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is Mom's Birthday. Mom would be 62. I took today off to run around with Zach to try and get him ready for school. We leave next Friday.

I really had good intentions but I slept until 10:00 AM. I can't remember the last time I have slept that late. Now I have 8 million things to finish before the day ends.

I miss the stupid cards and the stuff for Mom's birthday. I miss being able to say "Happy Birthday my Mommy". I miss her.

I am the same age as Mom was when Zach was born. How different our lives are at this point. At 43, both of us were out of the house (or on our way out - Wendy got married in July and Zach was born in December.) Next week, I will have an empty house.

Wendy is a Big Stupid Head

Really, she is. A really big STUPID Head. If you don't know, Mrs. STUPID HEAD has been at the beach all week. And she doesn't love me enough to get me a $26.00 T-Shirt. (You know the one.. You called me and teased me about it...)

The more things change, the more they remain the same. I am on my way to Water Aerobics tonight. (I am thinking this counts as a bath. I am multitasking...)

Just a random thought tonight to embarrass my child..

Maybe about a month after Mom, Zach sat me down on the couch and told me... "I am having a tough time. Between baseball and Bama, I just have had a hard time this year. But if you bought me a Mustang, I think I would feel better." [Realize he worked into this. And I mean worked. He started off with baseball (I didn't see a full game this year, he only hit 2 home runs, he hurt his arm...), and after he saw that wasn't going anywhere, he added what he thought would be the ultimate I am going to win reason... Bama]

I thought about it for a couple of minutes, and told him, "I just don't love you enough for a Mustang. Good try."

And then he smiled at me. I told him he almost had me for a couple of seconds until I realized I was being played. (And if anyone is going to get a Mustang, it would be me...)

Needless to say, I was in the Bad Mom house until he needed gas money.

Zach called Mom Bama. When Zach was little, we had Nana - Stan's Mom, the Little Grandma - our Grandma because she is little, and Bama. When Zach was born, I asked Mom what she wanted him to call her.. She said Pat. Somehow we worked into Bama. For about 2 seconds, Zach called her the Big Grandma (but this did not go over well).