I keep thinking each day I will feel better. In my head, I have an internal clock running, counting down the 29 days until in theory, the concentration of happy drugs in my body will magically be at the pharmaceutical level required kick me out of the funk.
I wonder what this will feel like. Will I wake up one day and not be sad?
I feel like a big stupid head whinny butt. My body hurts, I want Zach home, I want my Mommy, I hate my hair, I want to sleep. I want to stand on my tip toes and have a dancing hissy fit.
What I miss most right now is being able to call Mom on the phone. I have forgotten what she sounds like. I have forgotten what she smells like.
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I thought today was going to be the day I got through without crying. But then I got a phone call that made me cry. But I got through it. But then I had to deal with my former landlord who made me feel like a complete loser even though I had the place cleaned and had the carpets steamed cleaned. And now I want to stick the steam cleaner up his ass. So I didn't get through without crying. But I had my friends. And they are worth SO much more than the money my asshole landlord is going to try to take from me because his 1984 house doesn't look like it was built yesterday. Bitter? Yeah, maybe, just a bit.
Robin,
It will get better. But it will take time. For a long time I dreamed of my mom sick, then I didn't dream of her at all. And I wanted to call her all the time, and I also forgot how she sounded, how she smelled, how she smiled. I wished I had saved her voice on their answering machine, I wished I had taken endless videos of her, I wished she had written all of us kids letters detailing how exactly we're supposed to live the rest of our lives.
It's been 6 years now. I still miss her, but not in an aching, awful way any more. I still wish I could call her, but not with such intensity. I remember her more now, in more comforting ways. Once the grief subsided, the memories of touch and sound and smell came back.
They're all there, just biding their time until you're able to bear it. And that time will come...but you have to wait it out, until the storm of grief that rages around your mind and body subsides, the debris is washed away by tears, and then the sea is calm again, the sun comes out, and the beach is white and clean and ready for more footprints.
Be patient with yourself--this too shall pass.
take care--
amy
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