My body has a way of saying enough. A juicy, miserable case of bronchitis that usually will make me sleep a couple of days and make me feel so much like crap, I forget I have things to do.
So I sleep. [I have slept pretty much since Friday morning.] I had a follow up with Jason on Thursday and he told me my lungs were "crumbly". I can usually count on a round of the yucks when I don't get any downtime. I have been pretty much at work each weekend for the past few weekends and a few late nights thrown in.
The week of Mom's first chemo, I went from Strep on Monday to Bronchitis and a double ear infection by Wednesday. I am a walking germ infested snotty nosed whinny baby. I am sitting in Jason's office crying because I feel like trash, but I have to be better by Friday.
The initial purpose of Jason this week was to check back in after the 29 days. I am going to stay where I am on the dosage, but start counseling for a while. I feel flat right now from the drugs, but for the first time, I can see past the flatness. I think I am in a place where I can talk now, which I haven't been in a long while. I can talk about how scared I was, how I wonder what else I could have done (been more aggressive with Mom's treatment plan, called Hospice earlier), how I wonder if Mom was scared when she died and if she knew we were there and she wasn't alone, and how I wonder what Mom saw in me during the last few weeks and was it what she thought she would see.
2 comments:
robin,
good luck with Jason and beginning talk therapy. I found the combination of lexapro (so i could talk without sobbing), ambien (to sleep at night without horrible dreams of mom being alive but dying, or just dying, or alive again and knowing she will die) and talk therapy was able to move me past that chasm of grief into a place where I could find some joy in life again. Strength and peace to you in the days ahead.
amy
I can relate to the "flatness" because it's definitely a part of depression. It's reached a point where my friends can tell and they see a difference when I do a med change and it goes away.
I've actually seen it in pictures. I'll send you a couple.
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