My bereavement group starts next week and this seems to have preempted my regular nightly programing for a while. Before this starts, I need to share my Wednesday with you.
When I woke up Wednesday morning, Mom was snoring on the baby monitor. When I went into her room, I couldn't wake her. I called Hospice and talked with the nurse. She had me give Mom a couple of things from the comfort kit and to sit her up as much as possible in bed. It was early, and she said that Julie would be there as soon as she could. Julie needed to start at the office in Raleigh and would be on her way. I switched over from the oxygen concentrator to the cylinders because of the noise the machine made when running. This was more so I could hear Mom. I called Wendy and told her to come and also my Uncle Richard. I sat with Mom. Stan had gone to work and Zach was at school. I was so scared and afraid. I just held Mom's hand. The day before I had told Julie that Mom's hands were turning colors, but I could hold them, and they would get warm again. She had told me that it was okay, and that Mom's body was doing what was most important.
About 9:00 AM, I called Chad and asked him to come sit with us for a while. He came and I think Wendy came close afterwards. The day starts to become a blur. Patty and Julie come, along with Uncle Richard. Mom had asked earlier that if possible, that she be moved to the Palliative Care Unit at Rex before she died. She didn't want to die in my house because she didn't want to leave the memory. Things had moved so fast that this wasn't going to be possible. After talking with Patty and Julie, they said I needed to tell Mom so she would know. I told Mom that we weren't going to be able to move her but it was okay. She was where I wanted her to be.
Julie stayed with us. I crawled up on the bed with Mom for a while while Chad sat on the footstool. Wendy and Uncle Richard and I moved in and out of Mom's room during the day. Because we hadn't made any arrangements, I had to do this during the day, but Greg handled this for us.
At one point in time, I asked Julie, "Does Mom hurt?" and she said no and she would make sure that she didn't. I gave that worry to Julie. During the day, Cindy and Chad switched places a couple of times, but one of them was always here with us. We called school so Zach could come home and see Mom and say goodbye.
We switched places during the day, in the bed, outside, in Mom's room, on the couch. Julie hung out on the couch outside Mom's room when she wasn't with Mom. We had a CD playing that sounded like Spa Music most of the time.
People stopped by during the day when they saw all of the cars and Chad/Cindy's car in the yard. Zach went to baseball practice.
Wendy and I had walked outside for a minute, and Julie came and told us we needed to come back inside. I took Mom's hand and put my head near her head. I told her "It's okay. We love you. We'll be okay. It's okay." like a broken record. She took a few more breaths and I just sat there and cried. Chad said a prayer and we sat with Mom for a while.
Julie needed to do a couple of things with Mom, so we sat outside for a while. When she was done, we were able to spend more time with Mom. Susan and Doni were on their way to see Mom, so we waited until they were here until we called Greg. When Greg got here, Chad and Julie stayed so Wendy and I could go away while they moved Mom. That is the memory that I couldn't have stood. Wendy and I went to McDonald's and sat in the parking lot until it was time to come back home.
When we got back home, Greg was sitting on the porch and we filled out paperwork. Once this was done, Julie and I destroyed the narcotics that were in the house. Hospice requires that a family member watch the nurse destroy all narcotics and sign to acknowledge this. I had to have Mom's meds out of the house. I packed up all the other meds, put them in a bag and sent them to Mickey at Kerr Drugs. He dealt with the rest of them for me. I just couldn't take Mom's name of the bottles to throw them away. Julie stayed for a while longer.
Wendy headed back home, but before she left, we updated the blog.
When I gave Mom her meds Tuesday night and updated the blog, I never imagined this is what Wednesday would bring. If I had known Tuesday, would I have done anything different? Would I have tucked her in tighter? Would I have kissed her longer? Would I have not let her go to sleep? Would I have sat on the floor and watched her sleep, counting the minutes she would still be with me and us? Yes
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